those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
