Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
