If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
