i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
