I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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