smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
