I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
