last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
