This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
