i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
