my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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