u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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