So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
