i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
