I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
