so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
