My room smells like vodka and shame
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
