I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He passed out mid-signature
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
