return my video game
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
