Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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