"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
