I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
