You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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