he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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