I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize