I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
