I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
