Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
