Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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