You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
