fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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