I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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