How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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