U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
