I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
