if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
