You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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