I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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