census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
