I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
