Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
