the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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