i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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