got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize