I'm passing your future prison.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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