Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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