she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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