I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
