Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
