i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
