I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
