'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
