I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
