You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
