she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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