my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
