She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize