She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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