a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
