Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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