WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize