Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
