Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Randomize
